Dear Jackrabbit,
I’m writing about food today. You’re dad is a “foodie” which means he has certain opinions on the subject. Brace yourself. While I acknowledge that you are a long way off from enjoying many of the things I’m writing about right now, you will eventually, and this information will be invaluable.
Take note, my son.
Good for what ails ya!
Coffee. Your tastes will change over time. You may not care for coffee at first. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s only a bad thing if you, say, by seven years old still don’t like coffee. No pressure. Maybe nine. I think that’s when I started drinking coffee. You may start off preferring your coffee on the sweet side. That’s okay, too. So did I. But over time I grew to dislike the sweetness as it was interfering with the taste of the coffee and I eventually phased it out. (Note: If your old man tells you to go get him a cup of coffee, he likes it with milk–not cream–with no sugar.) Iced coffee is popular around here. I don’t care for it myself, so have no real tips. Ask your uncle Tim how to make a good iced coffee. As for real coffee, try to avoid overly flavored blends, decaf, or what America thinks is “French roast”. When you’re a little older… like twelve or so… we’ll take a look at espresso drinks.
Tea. I don’t drink as much tea as coffee, but I do enjoy a cuppa in the afternoon–particularly on cooler days. The best teas, in my opinion, are PG Tips or Twining’s English Breakfast. You may end up liking something else. That’s fine. Selecting a favorite tea is an extensive and personal journey. Just try not to settle for an unimaginative Lipton brand. My only advice is that while a strong tea is good, don’t overdo it. Too tannic, and it will ruin the experience. Don’t oversteep, and for god’s sake don’t squeeze the teabag. Just let it drain naturally and let it go. You may also enjoy, as I do from time to time, Oolong or Japanese green tea. Some herbals are enjoyable as well–particularly those with strong fruity notes. Your mother has a preference for sweet tea as it is served in the South (capital S). Feel free to humor her if your taste buds can put up with it, but we both know that I’m correct in that a good hot cuppa is best. (Iced tea… feh.)
Blue Stilton. Yum!
Cheese. There’s not much better in this world than a really good cheese. The smellier and sharper the cheese, the better. If a cheese is sold with mold in it, it’s… it’s just the best. Go for it. It’ll go fine on a Breton cracker. Bleu cheese, Roquefort, Stilton, Gorgonzola, and Wensleydale. All great cheeses. Granted, these may be a little advanced for your younger years, so it’s perfectly fine to start off instead with a nice, very sharp cheddar. In fact, you’ll find a good New York very sharp cheddar as a reliable table cheese. It is a delightfully modest cheese that does not take on airs like certain asiagos do, and is versatile in cooking if you’re paying attention. Sharp cheddar pairs well with apple pie, as you will come to learn. Norwegian goat cheese does the trick as well. Quite well, actually. Want that pizza to have an extra bite? Sprinkle some crumbled gorgonzola over it. You won’t regret it.
Speaking of Cheese. You will undoubtedly, on occasion and despite my best efforts, eat processed cheese. This is just one of the unfortunate aspects of modern life. Do try to avoid it whenever possible if for no other reason than to spare yourself from disappointment. Two exceptions: Velveeta cheese when mixed with macaroni (although real cheese is so much better), and spray cheese when squirted into the hollow part of a Bugle brand corn chip. (This last one, like masturbation, is best done in private, and until you learn how to do your own laundry, please make sure to clean up after yourself.)
Seriously, son. Clear chowder or nothing.
Rhode Island Foods. Son, you’re a Rhode Islander. You’re even more of a Rhode Islander than your old man who was actually born in Boston. But I grew up in Rhode Island, and have adopted Rhode Island ways, and you, my son, have no say in the matter. Your chowder is Rhode Island clear chowder. You will eat clam cakes with a little dash of hot sauce. The real Rhode Island snack is not calamari, but a stuffed quahog (also with a little hot sauce). You will enjoy Del’s lemonade in the summer, and a stack of steaming hot johnny cakes in the winter. Soupie, a hard sausage made primarily in Westerly, RI, will be your blessed sacrament. It’s not a real lunch (or midnight snack) if it’s not an armful of New York System wieners all the way. That bottle of malt vinegar on the table is to put on your french fries. Cherry peppers are to be stuffed with a good sharp provolone and some prosciutto. You’ll thank me for this information one day, trust me.
Breast Milk vs Formula. Right now you prefer breast milk to formula, which we approve of. Natural is better, of course. Sometimes you get a little too hungry and I need a backup. Fortunately, you don’t seem to mind the formula. Chock full of vitamins. Still, your preference for breast milk is a promising sign of a future gourmand.
In a way, I am quite envious of you, Jack. You’re going to get to try all sorts of things for the first time, and revel in the joy of tasty discovery: pad thai, a savory curry, a well-cooked steak, a baked potato done properly, a good gyro, a fine chourico, Zaxby’s chicken, authentic carnitas, your dad’s clam cakes, your mom’s cookies, your grandmother’s potato salad, your dad’s rice pudding, your dad’s chicken marsala, your dad’s chili (hey, I do a lot of cooking around here, so it’s a little dad-heavy). In fact, you’ll probably learn to cook at an early age as I did. It’s a worth it.
It may sound like dear old dad is a bit of a food snob. Guilty as charged and proud of it. As Alexis de Tocqueville said, “Life is too short and brutish for uninspiring food.” (or something like that)
So my advice to you is not to settle. When you have no choice but to settle, make the most of what you have. Example… only things in your first apartment are Ramen noodles and some sour cream? Poor man’s strognaoff! I have other little tricks like that I may share down the line. Eating on a poor college student budget. For now, though, I’ll do my best to provide you with the best food I can.
I apologize for all of the strained carrots and mushed peas in your near future. I’ll see if they make a baby version of beef Wellington, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Cheers!
–Dad
