Can I Co-Nurture? (Yes, dammit!)

There is an old George Carlin joke wherein he points out that, statistically, nearly half of all people are of below average intelligence. Bell curves being what they are, it’s not too alarming, but when the stupid is great, the stupid is painful. I was made to think of this while looking through some comments on a certain “Dads Only” Facebook page and was disheartened to see how many of these dads seem to really resent having to take an actual role in being a parent. They’re a minority, to be sure, but a disturbing minority.

It’s 2016. Fathers being involved as an actual nurturing parent is nothing new. Here’s a Doonesbury comic from sometime in the 80s:

doonesburyconurture

And even then, this wasn’t terribly new, but, at the time, fathers taking an equal part in parenting was something being talked about. By now, though, it seems like it shouldn’t even be a question.

Once upon a time parenthood was a far-from-equal experience. Mothers did all of the childcare. The father helped from time to time, maybe. Even in households where both parents worked, the division of work was not very fair. When I was growing up, both of my parents worked. Despite working, my mother still tended to be in charge of the housekeeping. We boys helped–once we were trained–but mom was in charge. My dad sometimes dictated outdoor chores, but he was generally more hands off when it came to working around the house. I’m not saying my dad didn’t take his responsibilities seriously. He worked long hours, and worked hard to provide financial support, but I never once saw him do a load of laundry when I was a kid.

Times have changed. Like just about every set of parents I personally know, both Margaret and I work. I’m very fortunate to be able to work from home, so I have a lot of freedom and flexibility. This affords me the ability–and therefore the responsibility–to do my fair share of chores.

Our household chores are divvied up, and usually in a way that it makes the most sense given our respective schedules. Because I have such a flexible schedule, I do most of the laundry and cooking. I tend to take care of the kitchen. Margaret does chores that are easier for later parts of the day or weekends such as groceries, vacuuming, and taking care of the living room. Neither of us makes the bed because why the hell should we? It’s just going to get mussed up again and the dog is always pulling up the covers and sheets anyway.

There are other chores we share, but you get the idea. Marriage is a partnership and blah, blah, blah. If you don’t understand how that works by the year 2016 then you might have a problem with the rest of today’s entry.

Now that Jack is on the scene, we have a whole new set of chores to consider–feeding, diaper changing, more laundry, bathing, diaper changing, dressing, playing, diaper changing, etc. Like with the household chores, we divvy these up.

Actually, “divvy” isn’t the correct word. “Share” might be better.

Did I mention diaper changing? We both do that. Neither of us shirk that.

We both feed the child (I use stored breast milk or formula). Margaret does the feeding more than I when she’s awake, but I do one or two during the night or very early morning when she’s asleep.

We both dress and undress the child, and put up with all the howling protests.

We both make sure the laundry is gathered, done, and put away.

We both play with the child.

We will both be bathing the child. I haven’t inflicted a bath on the boy solo yet, and really have only hovered nearby on a couple of occasions and helped dry the boy. But before Margaret heads back to work, I’m going to make sure I do a couple of solo baths so I am prepared for the task for when I’m inevitably left home alone with the sprog.

Swing, baby, swing!

Swing, baby, swing!

It’s not like our days are full of nothing but kid chores. The kid sleeps. He likes his new swing. He likes to lay back and listen to music or white noise sometimes. He’s a good kid, and mom and dad get their breathers.

The point is that Margaret and I work together to raise our kid. We each have our strengths we play to, but we can both do any task needed.

Right now it’s easy with Margaret home, but even then we’ve had to make some changes to how we do things. For instance, I used to do my freelance work early in the morning to early afternoon, but now I’m working from evening to early morning. Sometimes I’m doing Jack stuff while Margaret is sleeping, and then she’s doing the Jack stuff while I’m sleeping.

These are the first few months of parenthood. I know full well all of this is going to change before half the year is up. And then change again. And again. And again.

What I’m confident in, however, is that Margaret and I will be able to work together to make sure Jack is properly cared for, that we are properly cared for, and that the family as a whole is properly cared for. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

Even if the floor gets wet from time to time, at least we’re doing all of this together.

Cheers!

–John

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About jdteehan

John is a proud geek and nerd, a publisher, a freelancer, and a new dad. He's into books, gaming, and music. He's a good cook, a passing musician and artist, and terrible fisherman. The biggest thing in his life right now is being a new dad and he has started a blog all about that. Visit Dearjackrabbit.com for more on that. Also visit Merryblacksmith.com for word on publishing projects.
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