The Poop Talk — posted just in time for breakfast

You didn’t think I’d actually post a picture of poop, did you? I’m a monster, but not a complete jerk. Enjoy your breakfast.

Poop!

Haha…

Okay, maybe that’s a bit inappropriate. To be honest, I’ve never been a fan of scatalogical humor. Oh, sure, the occasional fart joke can be a gas (…a gas, get it?), but it’s not my go-to place for humor.

And poop is serious business.

Sigh.

I used to be cool. You know that? Leather jacket, smoky bars and pool halls, jazz clubs, punk rock shows, movies with French subtitles, the works. Heck, I used to play Dungeons & Dragons for, like, a whole weekend. Seriously cool stuff.

But now… now I will have a conversation–a meaningful conversation–about the contents of my boy’s diaper.

Yeah, this parenthood thing does stuff to ya. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Everybody poops, and pooping is important. Bowel health is serious business, boy.

I will hand it to how nature, in all its wonder and glory, handles the whole poop thing when it comes to babies and new parents. It starts out pretty easy. No smell, hardly any mess. Easily contained. Clean-up is pretty easy. Wipe, wipe, wipe, done. Check the crevices. Wipe. Actually done. It’s that easy.

After a month, it might be a little thicker. Still no smell to speak of. Wipe, wipe, etc., clean.

After another month we might start to see some goopiness and if you don’t remember to make sure you have the right diaper size, there might be a little more clean-up, but it’s still not bad.

Month four? You’ve added pureed food and cereal to the diet. The goop gets goopier. The niff gets niffier, but at this point… you’ve had four months of gradual exposure so this… meh… it’s not that bad. The wiping must be more vigorous. Big deal. I could always use the exercise.

Then the poop gets a bit more solid. You have to deal with some minor constipation issues as the child becomes more accustomed to non-bottled food. Then there is the “the plug has been pulled” moment when the constipation passes and you find yourself actually applauding your child for filling its diaper.

Good lord… what has become of me. I applauded Jack for a properly filled diaper last night. Clapped my hands and everything.

Several times a day I lift the child’s butt to my nose so I get get a proper sniff to see what the status is down there. I have done research on things like prune juice for babies. I have examined my son’s poop output and inspected its color, firmness, texture, and political leanings.

Oh, I know it’s going to get worse. I know it’s going to get pretty gross.

Six months ago I joined a “new dads” group on Facebook and was immediately assaulted with pictures of “diaper explosions” and poop everywhere. They were kind of unsettling, I’ll admit. But now that I’ve had this four, almost five, month gradual exposure, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m going to be way too cool about whatever I find down there.
Nice one, nature.

I suppose if baby poop was super gross right at the outset, we’d never procreate at all.

Heh… poop.

Anyway. It’s nearly time to go check in on the crib, to lift the child up and take a quick sniff.

Yeah, this is life now.

Cheers!

–John

 

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About jdteehan

John is a proud geek and nerd, a publisher, a freelancer, and a new dad. He's into books, gaming, and music. He's a good cook, a passing musician and artist, and terrible fisherman. The biggest thing in his life right now is being a new dad and he has started a blog all about that. Visit Dearjackrabbit.com for more on that. Also visit Merryblacksmith.com for word on publishing projects.
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