One day you may be given a school assignment to write about a member of your family.
While I heartily recommend that you write about your mother who is a much better person than I and who, as I have stated numerous times in these letters already, is a goddamn hero… it would be disingenous of me to suggest that, perhaps, your old man doesn’t have a few interesting stories to tell.
Should it come up, you may use any of these tidbits from my past as a topic for your school essay. I affirm that all are extremely true.*
Why would I lie?
- In 1921 I accompanied a polar expedition that was seeking the entrance to the Hollow Earth. I did not stay with the expedition the entire time, so I don’t know how successful they were. Granted, I also never heard from them again. I left the group sometime before then in order to continue my own search for the elusive Polaris Sunflower. I was, of course, successful and that is how I saved the town of Dire End in Nunavut.
- While there exist drawings of me riding what appears to be a T-Rex in certain volumes held by the International Geographic Society dating from the late 1880s, I hasten to point out that pen-and-ink evidence does not equal photographic evidence–of which there is none.
- On March 30, 1981, I was at the Dallas Book Depository–over a thousand miles away.
- Elvis Presley and I shared the same shoe size and he got those blue suede shoes from me–although to be honest, I stole them from Carl Perkins. My bad.
I did not ride with Pancho Villa. He rode with me. (As did Ambrose Bierce.)
- For about a week in 1976 I did not cast a shadow. I had been sick for a short time and been treated by a passing Austrian physician with something he called “The Unspecified Tincture.” I don’t recall much from that week, but am told that television reception suffered when I was near. The effects passed without fanfare or note–much to everyone’s relief.
- I have only been to outer space once, but did not have an opportunity to go outside. Heck of a layover, but it saved me $100 on the total cost of my flight to Chicago.
- It has been said that I have the heart and soul of a lion. This is a baseless accusation. Still… well… if you walk ten paces north of the back porch and dig for five or six feet… you may be in for a surprise. Be careful not to break the glass or they will escape.
- I can consume my weight in tacos and have done so on three different occasions. Twice was for fun, but the third was all business.
- President Frankilin Delano Roosevelt once said, after finishing a bowl of my signature 13-apostle chili, “Solen ska bli svart och månen blodröd innan. Herrens stora dag kommer. And if you ever repeat what I just told you, I am banishing you to Borneo.”
My original birth certificate is in a small, grey metal box buried deep in the Ross Ice Shelf in the Antarctic. This is one reason why your revered father is so concerned with global warming issues.
- Once, in Borneo, I again ran into Ambrose Bierce who, when he saw me, gave a startled yelp and disappeared in a puff of blue smoke that smelled of ancient lavender. Two days later I was allowed to return to the US with a full pardon and apology.
- There are only twelve people on this planet who know what’s really going on. I’m not one of them… but they have my phone number.
I hope this convinces you that dear old dad wasn’t always the lazy layabout you see today, forming a deep butt impression upon the couch.
All my love,
*Most of these facts can be confirmed (and only confirmed) by referring to the 43-volume Compleat and Unexpurgated Encyclopidea of Events and Affaires, 1985 Special Edition of which the only surviving copy (in fact, the only ever printed copy) is in the possession of one Mr. Simons of West Roxbury.