There’s an apocryphal story told about various secret orders of ninja, shoalin, thugee, original assassins’ cult members, and MetLife insurance salesmen in which it is said that acolytes plant a small tree or bush on the day their training begins and each day they jump over the seedling. By the time the seedling becomes a tree, the acolyte becomes a master and has gained the ability to leap dozens of feet into the air because each day they train themselves to jump a little higher.
Why bring that up?
Jack, after about a month’s time on this Earth, weighs around twelve and a half pounds. When he first arrived, he weighed around ten and two-thirds pounds. I spend hours a day gently cradling and bouncing him on one arm and then the other. Every week he gets a little bit heavier.
By the time Jack is eighteen, my arms are going to be the size of tree trunks. My legs, too, once we add lap bouncing, and you never, ever, skip leg day.
I’m going to be a monster. Feh to expensive gyms and workout machines. I can hold an expensive and heavy baby instead.
Jack is a month old now, plus a day or two. Some things I have learned about babies in that month:
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Not Jack… but the sentiment is familiar.
While it may seem they have several facial expressions, they can all be pretty much boiled to: Fussing and Brace Yerself, I’m About to Fuss (this sometimes looks like sleeping).
- Sometimes it’s just gas you feel rumbling out of his butt. Sometimes it’s–ohmigod! That’s not gas!
- Speaking of gas, the child thinks he is ready to challenge my dominance in the household via loud burps and fartlings. Sorry, kid. I’ve been doing this for nearly 50 years. You have quite a while before your gas can reasonably challenge mine.
- The greatest invention ever created by humanity is the pacifier. Fire? Wheel? To phooey with those! The pacifier has probably done more to keep the human race alive than Netflix binges.
- While I have never been the best housekeeper in the world, it’s a struggle to keep from sliding into total barbarity. The trick is not to let it pile up too much, and to take advantage of those times when the boy is “sleeping” (see above).
There’s a lot more I’ve learned this past month, and I will share it in coming weeks, but right now I need to cut this short. Someone is no longer “sleeping”
Cheers!
–John
