Walk into any doctor’s waiting room, any supermarket, any off-license amusement park and you may find yourself confronting the wild New Dad.
Don’t panic. They’re fairly docile unless you come close to its young. Don’t sneeze and for god’s sake cover your mouth when you cough. Avoid sudden moves and loud noises. He might be taking a 10-second nap and you don’t want to wake him. If the baby is asleep, you sure as hell don’t want to make any loud noises.
Resting with its young, the New Dad covers the child’s head with its own thick mat of fur for both camouflage and warmth.
The New Dad in the wild just wants to go about its business quickly and quietly so they can get back to their den.
How to spot the New Dad in the wild? Here’s a handy checklist:
- Diapers in one pocket
- Baggie with wipes in another
- Disposable plastic shopping bags in yet another pocket because those Koala Care changing stations don’t always have liners
- More disposable plastic shopping bags because sometimes there’s no Koala Care changing table and the staff at Starbucks gets a little snippy when you don’t lay something down on the counter before taking care of any changing duties.
- Wallet, thin, because there’s no money in it and we keep baby photos on our phone in 2017
- Bags…under eyes
- Stains…on shirt, maybe pants as well if spit-up occurred while sitting
- Pacifiers in left shirt pocket. Dropped pacifiers recovered and placed in right shirt pocket
- If carrying a shoulder bag, then more diapers and wipes … unless it’s a diaper bag. in which case, it’s full of toys and baby Gas-X
- If carrying a baby carrier, then extra pacifiers and that set of keys that went missing last week
- If pushing a baby carriage, the cup holder contains keys, spare coins, and a smartphone. Tucked behind the head cushion will be a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee or a Starbucks latte
- Baby
- (The baby is a dead giveaway)
You may slowly approach the New Dad by making appropriate positive noises in regards to the baby. Don’t touch, but feel free to comment on how handsome or pretty the child is.
Don’t frown or glare or you may find a hot cup of coffee flying toward your face.
Best advice is to clear the way, maybe even hold the door open for him. The scent of baby and quiet desperation will soon dissipate.
It’s all good, though. They’re going back to the den to take a nap together.
Cheers!
–John
