Stop. Put the phone down. No one has to call the authorities. I’m not talking about actual impostors replacing Margaret or myself.
This topic is more on the concept of the “impostor syndrome” and how it might apply to parenting–at least from our perspective.
Some of you may not know what I mean by impostor syndrome. Here’s the Wikipedia definition:
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
“Wait, are you my parents or are you impostors? I can’t read yet and, therefore, have no context for this conversation. You can understand my concern, surely.”
Now, I’m far from suggesting Margaret or I consider ourselves “high-achieving individuals”, but that’s not really the exact perspective I’m going for here. It’s more a case of “how can this be working? it’s all going to fall apart at any moment and everyone will then see what a terrible parent I am!”
Nonsense.
Most of the time when I hear about impostor syndrome it’s from creative types who find it hard to believe they have fans, or a following, or any kind of even marginal success. That’s artist types for ya. And in nearly all cases it’s unjustified. I think part of the problem is that growing up we are taught to not think too much of ourselves, or to not be a show off, or given a “who do you think you are?” attitude to the point where trying anything creative and succeeding makes us wonder if we’re really all that.
Like I said… nonsense.
Now… as this applies to parenting, I’ll have to admit that we sometimes feel like impostors.
I mean, come on… Jack in almost four months old. He’s happy. He’s healthy. He’s hitting all those infant development markers like a pro.
We must be doing something wrong.
Wait, what? No!
We’re doing all right. For a couple of folk who have no idea what we’re doing, parenting by the seat of our pants… we’re doing all right. Sure, Margaret has had a decent amount of training in early childhood development… so she can apply it to other people–not to herself. As for me… I thought babies just kind of roamed free in yards like free range chickens until it was time to put clothes on them and send them to school.
Who knew?
That Jack is doing so well only means that our big “fuck up” moment just hasn’t happened yet, right? Right?
Wrong.
We’re not impostors. We’re real parents and we’re fairly smart. We know how to use the resources we have, and we have a small amount of common sense. And should, god forbid, we fuck up, I don’t think it will be too badly. I think we’ll be able to use our resources, our family and friends, and get things a’right. But even then, I think we’re doing all right and we will continue to do all right.
I’ve pretty much lived my life as a series of “fake it ’til you make it” situations in which I waltz into a situation I’m probably grossly unqualified for, but manage to muddle my way through until I become fairly competent or even, dare I say, more than competent. I think parenting will be one of those more than competent things–or, at least, simply competent.
Will there be mistakes?
Yes.
That doesn’t mean we should think of ourselves as impostors.
Not at all. We’re parents, and like every other parent on the planet, we’re learning as we go and doing fine.
If you’re a new parent and worried that you might be an impostor, I assure you that you are not. You’re doing fine, too.
Cheers!
–John
